Friday, June 30, 2006

T-4 day on the training schedule calendar. Marine Corps History I and Weapons Handling. Tim will enjoy these classes. He loves weaponry of any kind. History sticks to him also.

http://www.mcrdpi.usmc.mil/images/Training%20Matrix.pdf

Today I am meeting Tim's sisters(Amanda & Beka) and nephews (Mason & Coen)at Garden Ridge and Sam's. We are getting party stuff for Mason's birthday tomorrow. We are spending a lot of time together lately, I am not sure if it because of birthdays and Tim's departure or if we are all trying to forge family ties for whatever lies ahead. My life has so drastically changed.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Even though I am more accepting of Tim's absence now, I NEVER want to lose the fervent desire to continually pray for him. Would any young mother willingly take her eyes off a wandering child? Like that mother, I want a Holy eye continuously following Tim. And if I need to tug God's ear often, I will. Tim is in boot camp. I am in praying mom camp.

This morning I tuned into Beth Moore and low and behold she was speaking to me. I have been paralyzed with fear. Beth told of an old friend who had called and requested that her and Keith pray for his family. He also said he was afraid he was "projecting an old fear on a new day". WOW! Is this what I am doing? God's timing in this is awesome. So divine. I have been paralyzed from walking with the Lord. Even though I trust God, I was allowing history to cripple me into blockading God's blessing and instruction. It is a new day! Satan (the defeated one) has only the power to deceive and that deception paralyzes us from walking with the Lord.

Isaiah 43:18-19 "Remember ye not the former things, neither consider things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing: now it shall spring forth; shall ye know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert."

II Timothy 1:7 (KJV) For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of a sound mind.

Satan deceives with a spirit of fear. And while I allowed him to paralyze me, the enemy had his feet on my promised land. We are on a new path. This whole family.

Joshua 1:4b-5 "that ye may know the way by which ye must go: for ye have not passed this way heretofore. And Joshua said unto the people, sanctify yourselves: for tomorrow the Lord will do wonders among you."

A new day. A new path. A new prayer.

God show us your power. Guide us on your path. Affirm our feet. Teach us to pray. In Jesus name, Amen.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Marine life must be so different for Tim. I sit thinking about his progress and struggles. I wonder what areas he has the most problems with. I wonder if he still gets his power naps. NOT!

The structure of their daily routine is very evident in the calendar the USMC has posted. I wish it would go into a little more detail as to what the days progress is. What time do you eat? What time do you get up? When is your down time?

It is 1:24 pm and the mail just came. It is finally here. My first letter from Tim. I open it and it is a form letter that they fill in the blanks. Oh my goodness. I touch the envelope again assured at least Tim addressed it and touched its surface. I gather all my letters to Tim and fit as many as possible into several envelopes. I write a third letter for today. I am so caught up in excitement of receiving the letter I almost forget to send out an email with his new address to family and friends.

It has been 10 days and I am finally able to eat without choking up.

I get two client calls, and book both. I talk with another potential client and they requested a contract be sent to them and a decision will be made by the 14th of July. I needed that. I felt like every door had not only closed but had been barred shut.

The world has not stopped turning, life still goes on, but when you are immobilized by an event in your life you become consumed by the thought of possibilities. Others have made comments of snap-out-of-it, you are not trusting the Lord enough, you are so...woe-is-me, let it go and on and on. I look at it this way, you haven't walked here yet!!! Think about this. Lazarus died. Jesus wept. He wept even though knowing he had the power to raise Lazarus up and knowing it would be done, Jesus still grieved. It was a grief for the suffering of Lazarus that he must endure for a time. Jesus knows pain, He knows suffering, He understands longing, He had reasons for this trial. Would anyone close to Lazarus have grown as much in the faith of Jesus without this trial. NO. It was a divine moulding of The Potters hand in many lives. My life is being moulded for a divine reason. I struggle with Tim's absense for a divine purpose. Will I comfort another? Am I being groomed for the next trial. YES! Just as a butterfly must solely struggle to be free of the cocoon in order to be strong enough to fly once free. My heart is battling against the walls of separation in order for me to be able grow strong enough to handle whatever comes next. Like a clam that is irritated with a grain of sand, which is small in the eyes of some, that irritation is instrumental in the forming of a pearl. If this trial I am going through seems small to some, oh well, I am a pearl in the making.

Trusting you, Lord.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Still no post card with address.

I am just about ready to drive down there and get it.

As I had devotions today, I was brought back to my favorite book and chapter in the Bible. III John. My focus has always centered on III John 4 and as I read today I found a treasure just above it.

III John 2, Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth.

Oh wow! What a verse! What a desire to wish upon another. That verse is my wish for Tim. Prosper does not only mean to obtain wealth but to increase knowledge, wisdom, health and more. God, so be it for Tim.

Monday, June 26, 2006

God is truly merciful. Today has been better than all the previous days. Today as I opened God's word I felt an awakening in both my spirit and mind.

My energy is coming back. I am able to get up. Depression robs the mind, body and spirit. I trust the Lord and yet I still struggle to let go. Why? I am progressing though.

Jude 21 says "Keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life." KJV

I rest in Him.

The Marines, as I stated in a previous post has a website that has a lot of infomation and really takes delving into to benefit from all the material on it.

I found this on the website and found it noteworthy.


MCRD/ERR Parris Island Strategic Plan
We Make Marines
Vision. To make the highest quality basic U. S. Marines, we will:
· Recruit the best available young men and women for service as enlisted Marines and Officers of Marines.
· Train the highest quality Marine Drill Instructors and instill within each of them a sense for the extraordinary responsibilities with which they are entrusted.
· Train, teach, mentor and above all lead through a demanding standard-based training system.
· Exploit best business practices and emerging technologies to achieve organizational effectiveness and efficiency.
· Enhance the quality of service for all members of our Depot/ERR team, our families, and the surrounding communities.
Mission. To recruit, train, and support the making of basic U.S. Marines for follow-on training and service in the Corps.Guiding Principles. We are dedicated to our Core Values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment.
· We will accomplish our mission while adhering to our moral principles of honesty, integrity, and ethical conduct.
· We are committed to the safety, health, security, development and care of our people and their families.
· We are defined by our heritage, traditions, and desire to serve our country.
· We encourage positive relationships with our local communities.
· We will align our individual efforts to contribute to the success of the organization.
· We are good stewards of the environments.
MCRD/ERR Parris Island Goals


This helps me.

III John 4 I have no greater joy than to know my children walk in truth.

AMEN!

Sunday, June 25, 2006

What a relief this day brings.

We are one week closer to Tim's completing boot camp.

Other than when I grieved for my mother, I have not felt so torn. Even though Tim is alive his absence is paramount everywhere I look. I was asked today if Tim was our baby. No he is not, but we came very close to losing Tim when he was 15 months old. Out of five children, Tim was the only one that was not a surprise. I don't want to sound woe-is-me with these blogs, but I want to adequately describe the very real emotions and the struggle each day brings so that other moms will understands that their feelings are not unusual. If fact they are very real, very long moments in your life that crawl toward an unknown destination. And THAT unknown factor is what blackens the core of your heart and makes you crippled emotionally and phsysically with fear even when you trust the Lord, which I do. I cannot comprehend how an unbelieving parent could go on without the assurance of who holds my hand and who has put a hedge around my believing son.

As I sat in the Worship Service I realized my feelings are minute compared to how God must have felt when He was separated from His Son, and when His Son was a sacrifice for me. He gave up His ONLY Son to allow us to be free. WHAT A SACRIFICE. WHAT A SAVIOR. WHAT A GOD. The Bible says the sky turned dark at Jesus death. I firmly believe it was a reflection of God's grief for his Son all because of His love for me. Agape'. Unconditional love.

Marine moms, take heart. We can encourage each other. Our children are in the most powerful nations military. They are noble soldiers. Even when the defeat one tickles us with doubts and fears, stand firm, stand strong, stand tall but most of all stand boldly before The throne of God for intercession for them, because they are in the hands of our God. Hebrews 7:25

Thank you God. Thank you Jesus. I believe in your outstretched arms.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

I finally slept 8 hours last night. I got up at 7:04 am. That is late for me.

House is quiet. It is too quiet for a Saturday. Normally, Tim is up watching television or playing Call of Duty, his computer game favorite. That game is so popular with all the males in our family. Let’s see, Josh, Martin, Tim, Andrew, Forrest, Darrell and Daniel all have it. They play over the internet as a platoon. It has been Forrest’s refuge all week much to my chagrin.

Madison’s party is today. I hope the cake remains standing in transport.

I check email. I also google Parris Island. I found the official website for families with loved ones there.

http://www.mcrdpi.usmc.mil/

I also found a pdf file of a calendar of events for new recruits so you can track what they are doing. I will attach the calendar to the blog for those that want to track Tim’s activities.

http://www.mcrdpi.usmc.mil/images/Training%20Matrix.pdf

At last! This helps me more than anything else, as at least now I know what he is doing. On the web page there are FAQ’s page that answer every question I have had so far. Why did they not tell us about this site? It should be well publicized.

God take care of him. Jesus be real in Tim’s life. Please let him know I love him and pray continuously.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Finished the “Castle cake”.

I learned a new thing. You can’t make tall, multi-tiered cakes out of regular cake recipe. The cake must be made from pound cake recipe.

It was a challenge to keep it upright. I guess for my first one though, I did ok. It is for 3 year olds, will they notice?


The cake decorating has definitely kept my mind from worrying about Tim. I needed this distraction.

Because I feel so torn from Tim right now, I find myself searching for unity and heritage with other family members. I have my other kids, but they tend to run when I get weepy. My sisters are distant geographically and I wish to be held close. Forrest doesn’t understand and tells me to snap out of it. Saying all that, leads me to my next step. I googled lost family for some kind of contact. Eureka! I found them all, even a 73 year old aunt. I sent an email to a cousin to see if I had the right one. I received a phone call within a couple of hours. We talked for over an hour. One cousin is less than 20 minutes from me. It really helped for me to pick up this project that had been neglected too long.

The sticky- post-it notes are great. My thoughts and prayers are constant.

God Bless Tim. God protect Tim. God direct Tim. God hug Tim for me.

Thursday June 22, 2006

3:15 am I am awake.

I think of you and pray.

Try to read a little to help me get drowsy. Doesn’t help.

I assemble and ice Madison’s cake. I have Madison today. We watch Cinderella and she wants to know where you are again.

I have a little more peace today. I think it helped that SSGT. Tobin stopped by last night. He told us your voice mail message was a written text that you had to do and would not have been able to respond any differently. I worry that this intense heat we are experiencing will affect you also. Lord, protect him and give him a godly friend to confide in.

I shared some of my concerns and tears with some friends and my sisters. It helps to talk about it.

I am trusting you, Lord. Whatever happens, I trust you Father.

Wednesday June 21, 2006

5:00am and I am listening for your alarm clock. Silence.

Andrew’s radio comes on blaring. I go shut it off. He is still at Amanda’s.

Forrest had an appointment. House real quiet.

I might be able to get used to this in small increments.

I get lots of email from Sunday school class members who are praying for you. Strangers have even come up to me inquiring about you.

I prayed for you.

I cried a little, but deeply.

Today seems to be looking up. I feel able to move, a little.

I shower and brushed my teeth.

Beka came over and we went to Lowes to pick out the paint color for the armoire for her new condo. Black raisin is the color.

It is so hot outside and I wonder what the temperature is at Parris Island. The heat coupled with 40 pounds of equipment can debilitate a person quickly. Have you begun your routine runs yet? Have you thought of dad and me? Are you hungry? Tired? Happy? Did you talk to Jesus today?

I fixed a bowl of Kraft macaroni and cheese for lunch. Your favorite. Almost cried.

I wonder what your drill instructor’s name is. Is he a Christian? Does he fear the Lord? Does he set the example for you young men as Jesus did? I will pray for him regardless of not knowing his name. He has a huge responsibility to God for your training, safety, and mentoring. He better listen when the Lord speaks. Holy two by four’s hurt.

I am praying for you now. It’s 3:03 pm.

Did you ever realize the impact this would have on your family? That is a selfish question on my part. You have told me over and over that this is what God wants you to do. Who am I to stand in the way? Who am I to stop the Lord’s plan? There may be a lost soul somewhere that you will be a beacon to. Tim, remember we are here for a purpose and that purpose is to glorify God and be a witness to those who don’t know him. Always be a beacon.

5:55 pm -This afternoon I took on the challenge to make Madison’s birthday cake. It is a three-tiered cake in the shape of a princess’ castle. The smell of the house with a cake baking is wonderful. It has taken my mind off your danger. I will take pictures of this masterpiece and send to you. I just wonder what kind of cake I will have to make for Mason. Power Rangers don’t live in a castle. Maybe I can do a Power ranger head shot. Forrest stirred. He says he is hungry. Do you want some cake? Not for supper!! Oh well, I tried. I don’t feel like cooking dinner.

I have searched the word for help and it feels far away. This blog between God and me seems to give me comfort. I feel like I am talking directly to God. It forces me to analyze my thoughts and motives and organize them to enable me to overcome the depressive thoughts this has brought. It is like praying but writing it out. Makes you really think about what you say, how you feel and little trivial things that really don’t matter but seem important at the time.

I love the Lord.

Tim loves the Lord.

Bless and protect Tim Lord. Help him feel your presence. Hold him for me. Shield him. Guide him. Help him smell the cake cooking.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

I’ve only got weepy twice today. It is 7:00am.

Amanda came over to get Andrew to help her with the new baby Coen. House is too quiet. I can hear Forrest growing old, or maybe that is me turning to arthritic stone.

I watch a lot of television. Unfortunately it is exactly what all the military wives in Sunday school warned me NOT to do. Oh my Lord! They found the two missing soldiers.

I weep.

The urge to write you is overwhelming.

I want to hear your voice.

I play yesterday’s voice mail.

OK. Better.

I struggle to decide what to layout for supper. Everything reminds me of you. You must be hungry. Chicken it is. I know. I’ll do Chinese. You don’t like it.

I think to myself, you get to go to bed tonight. They told us that upon arrival you would be up for 33 hours less some power naps.

Tea jug is drained. Oh no! TJD. HAHAHA! I needed a laugh. I then got to thinking what else TJD could be an acronym for. I struggle not to go there. I make tea. Forrest asked me if I ruined the tea on purpose. Excuse ME? NO I did NOT! I don’t know what he is talking about. I taught every one of you kids to make tea, if yours happens to be better it is because ya’ll like to shellac your intestines with too much sugar. What are they giving you to drink? Are you thirsty?

Korea is in the news. My thought don’t need to go there.

I went shopping with my daughter-in-law. NO fun. I couldn’t get my mind off thinking of you.

Madison asked where Uncle Tim was? Is he at school? No sweetie. He had to go away for awhile. Why? Why, because there are mean people that want to hurt us and Uncle Tim is learning to protect us from them.

Chinese food went down a little easier than the cube steak. I rack my brain for your other dislikes that I can do for tomorrow.

I prayed for you today.

Monday June 19, 2006

No one walked by my bedroom last night and called out “good night, I love you”.

No alarm clock from Tim’s room startled me awake.

It is 5:30 am and somewhere you have been up for an hour. You should be boarding a bus right now for MEPS. (Military Enlistment Processing ?)

I struggle to go back to sleep to no use and get up and go downstairs to see what is on television and check my email. Nothing except the usual political jargon. Where is the Paul Harvey of the news media? Someone I can trust to tell it truthfully less the sensationalism. Who cares what Brittany is doing or Jolie-Pitt for that matter?

Okay. Now what? Pick up dirty dishes from the den and loaded them in the dishwasher, check email, again. Post resume on a couple of sites. (*What are you doing now?) Laid out cube steak from freezer. (*What are you doing now?)Now it is 6:00am. Take a shower. (*What are you doing now?)Get dressed. (*How about now?) Brush teeth. (*Now?)

Time creeps by.

Can’t seem to focus my mind on the scriptures.

God help me!

He did, as always.

I repaired some holes in your wall from all your Marine posters. Sanded. Andrew helped me remove some screws and nails from old blinds. Next step, dusting. This room will require at least three coats of paint to cover the male abuse. Don’t worry. You will still have a room here, just a cleaner more neutral one. I can use it as a guest room while you are away. I think blush is a wonderful color. Just kidding. Taupe, yeah, that’s it.

I started cooking some dried beans and ham and wondered if your were hungry or sleepy. God be with him.

Andrew and I had a few teary moments.

Routine things are a struggle. I should call some clients. I should clean the bathroom. I should clean the dining room. I can’t move. I can think of what you might be facing. It immobilizes me. God help me.

On and on the day goes, praying God helps you, and then, asking God to help me. My cell phone rings as I am cooking the cube steak. It is a client. We work out color schemes, time frames and price. I hang up and finish cooking. I sit down to eat. I can’t swallow. For some reason my food sticks in my throat. I wonder if you are hungry. Cube steak is one of your favorites. Oh well, we don’t have A1 so we are doing without too! No comparison. Gold help him.

Sometime around 7:15 my cell phone notifies me of a pending message. I call it.

“This is recruit Dye. I have arrived at Parris Island. Please do not send me any food or bulk packages in the mail. I will be sending you a postcard in 3-5 days with my address. Thank you for your support and good bye.”

HUH?

How did I miss your call?

Why are you speaking so robotically?

I am so mad that I missed your call that only later do I realize it is recorded and I can replay it over and over. I still would have liked to tell you how proud I am and how much I love you!

I notified the family you had made it safely, and cry.

I write you a note I cannot mail yet, and cry.

I sit down at my computer and try to make sense of it all. And cry.

Timothy Joel Dye (TJD)

Timothy Joel Dye (TJD)=Trusting Jesus Daily(TJD)

Okay, I needed that.

To get through this I am going to have to trust completely in God. So I take out a colorful stack of small post-it notes and print TJD on every page. I stick them everywhere. Medicine cabinet, glass cupboard, refrigerator door, laundry room etc. Your daddy calls me psycho. No, it is prayerful. Call me a fanatic. Call me a zealot. I don’t care, I will continue to tug the ear of God for help.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

It’s 4:30 on father’s day. We are taking Tim to the government center at Kings and Baxter to meet his recruiting officer, Staff Sgt. Tobin. As we arrive it is evident there will be quite a group of recruits going. As parents and siblings spring from the family vehicles I notice the strain of worry on the parent’s face. It matches my own. It is a face of the realization we no longer have the sole right to ensure our child is carefully watched over and nurtured. Am I dropping off a Momma’s boy? Lord no! We have five children and Tim is number four. We have three children that have moved away from home and of which two have married and had children of their own. What makes this different is the fact that we no longer will be the guiding force in the direction of their life, the “at hand” ability to rescue or the quick access by phone, email or in person. But most of all, these young men will most assuredly face an unknown threat that most Americans cannot fathom.

We gather in the hallway outside the recruiting office. None of the parents have mustard the courage to enter the confines of the “mean talking Marines” greeting our sons. I am no wilting pansy and throw caution to the wind and cross over that threshold. Okay, so I settle three feet in the doorway next to a metal contraption they make them do pull-ups on. Still, it is further than the other parents and my husband. All the recruits already know each other as they all entered the delayed entry program (DEP) months ago. You can tell they are nervous by their boasting and loud talking.

Each recruit is taken in a back room individually to be grilled on “private” matters. Each come back shortly and has a seat. All with the exception of one. He brings a fist full of pocket knives out and gives them to his Mom still hiding in the hallway. I think to myself, the difference between men and boys is the prospect of new toys. I prefer the pocket knives to grenade launchers, ied’s and automatic weapons. Let the boy keep the pocket knife. Let him stay a boy. Do I really want that? No. Everyone has to grow up. Not that pocket knives are juvenile, but that he has to release something so cool in order to take a giant step into manhood.

I stand there realizing that I am analyzing each recruit through my strict momma’s eye trying to forecast each one’s success in this endeavor. Several were wearing flip flops, unshaven and no belts. Some recruits are on the brink of weight restriction. Some poor drill instructor is gonna be hoarse this week. Already some are not listening or following instruction. I hope the platoon doesn’t suffer for it. If so, Tim you chose this. Haha! And you thought the chore of making tea every day was rough.

For months we have cautioned him that it will not be a walk in the park. Of course this was preamble to us making him cut the grass or finish his senior exit.

As more and more parents brave the Marine Corps office it is evident, I am not the only one struggling to let go. The trivial becomes vital as we check to make sure they have money, id, diploma’s and of course addresses. We begin pounding each recruiter with questions such as will they feed them tonight? When we they be able to call home? What will be their address? When is graduation? But the most asked question I heard was, Will you supply them with a Bible? It all comes down to faith. Faith that comes from being up countless long nights with a fevered child that pulls through, faith that comes from being a believing caterpillar that has survived the brutal battle to be free of a cocoon.

God help us. God watch over them.